Colorless Green Ideas

Gangster's Paradise

So, there's this new phenomenon going on in my home town of Grand Falls-Windsor, Newfoundland right now, where all the middle class white kids are coming out with freestyle rap songs and basically just believing that they are indeed black. Now, spoiled white kids acting black is nothing new to my beloved home, but this is a pretty surprising new low. Their songs are filled with lyrics about guns and slugs and gangs and all kinds of ghetto things like that, which strikes me as pretty hilarious since owning a copy of ATV Offroad Fury 2 for your PlayStation 2 is about as ghetto as you can get in Grand Falls. There's this utterly fascinating subculture of wanna-be-black quad-driving hicks that quite simply defies definition - You truly haven't seen anything 'till you see a middle class white kid driving by on a quad dressed in a giant Fubu bubble jacket, a plaid flannel undershirt, gratuitously large Ecko pants with a hip chain, topped off with shit-kickin, mud-caked, steel-toed work boots. It's really quite a sight to behold.

Newfoundland is basically a small fishing outpost off the eastern coast of Canada that nobody takes seriously, not even our own federal government. Hell, most of the world doesn't even know we exist. The popluation is approximately 99.5% WHITE and the local hockey team is the closest thing to a gang that we have. It's a soccer-mom paradise, rife with SUVs, bingo and Parent-Teacher Association meetings. How we suddenly have kids rapping about guns and slugs and bitches and hoes is beyond me, but nevertheless they are there and they are recording this shit.

In trying to get in touch with my ghetto Windsor ( thats right...I grew up on the wrong side of the tracks ) side, I wrote a rap song myself. Those of you who have no concept of sarcasm, satire or parody, you can just stop reading now. For the rest of you, enjoy my take on growing up ghetto in "G-Dot."

Yo, uh
Comin' atcha from G-Dot
Breakin' it down like this:

Us real thugs buy weed for 20 dollars a gram, yeah we high rollers
My Ford Tempo's pimped out with 4 cup holders
But there's somethin you should know about life on the streets
It ain't all road hockey and Dickee Dee ice cream
Comin' straight atcha from my own back yard
Yeah some of us n*ggas, we got it real hard
Hell just last week I lost my library card

Momma started frontin' me to buy her some milk
Instead i rolled to KFC where my homeboys chill
N*gga at the cash was trippin' and illin'
Fuckin' up my order for my popcorn chicken
I wrote a stern note to the man-a-ger
Yelled to my homies; "yo we outta hurrr"

I gots me a quad, I gots me a trike
I'll even rock the streets on my pedal bike
Wave to Mrs. Henderson while I roll on by
Bitch gives out Werther's like they goin out of style

We love the rave drugs though their ain't no raves
We drop acid to play PlayStation games
Or at least I wish we did
Just remembered that I sold all my shit
To pay ADD Johnny for those Ritalin hits

Now I'm all thugged out in my Fubu gear
Got all the bling I need and some India Beer
It's fuckin' Friday n*gga, time to check Jimi Jaks
All these honeys lookin fly in their joggin' pants
I'm scopin' out shorty on the slot machines
Word is she fucked the whole hockey team
Now it ain't no matter that it's my best friends mom
Before the night's out I'll be up in that thong
Come on now Flak, rock your fifth Trooper song

Steppin' to me bitch? You ain't got shit
Chill the fuck out and just take a hit
That's the finest weed that you ever will smoke man
Flown straight in from a landfill in Michigan
I'm extraterrestrial; yo I'm a saint, I'm a sinner
But I still gots to get home in time for dinner
So at last we comin' to the end of my rhyme
Just hit repeat n*gga and rock it one more time

EAST SIIIIEEEEEEEDE!

Haha, ohhh God...I hope I never feel compelled to do that again. And there you have it kids, the first and last rap song I will ever write. It wasn't freestyled, I'll admit, but It's hard to compare to you real down and out thugs living in the ghetto that is Lincoln Road.

posted by Sylpheed @ 4:34 PM