Colorless Green Ideas

How to Have an Authentic Newfie Woods Party

Yes folks, now you can finally enjoy your own authentic Newfie woods party, as I'm doing in the picture above, at the very height of my drunkenness. Note the Newfie Sou' Wester ( hat ). All you've got to do is follow the steps I've provided.

I'm from Newfoundland ( a tiny rock on the east coast of Canada ), which is often the butt of the world's jokes. But that's okay, 'cause we don't take anything seriously. What we DO take seriously, however, is getting drunk.

Today's youth are getting real sissified, in that they'll only drink at house parties. Preposterous. There's a whole world of woods out there waiting for you, and you don't even realize it. Some of the best ( and most inebriated ) hours of my life have been spent sitting in the woods with good friends and a whole bunch of beer. It doesn't matter if it's cold outside either. Wimping out because its cold is just further evidence of your getting sissified.

I tell you, there's nothing more satisfying than a successful woods party. And now you can have one too. Here's how:

The Steps

1. Find the spot. It's best to do this beforehand so you aren't wandering around a random forest carrying heavy beer cases and getting smacked in the face with branches. You're looking for a clearing, preferably with some rocks that are big enough to sit on. If there's a cliff, stream, or river nearby, you get bonus points. If there's a cave nearby, then you've already found the best spot ever. Do NOT continually re-use the same spot. The police will eventually catch on and bust you. Build up a nice reserve of spots so that you can alternate.

2. Assemble the crew. This is without a doubt the hardest part. Not everyone is smart enough to immediately recognize the joys of drinking in the woods, so you will have to be very convincing in your arguments. It's easiest to do this over a program like IRC, or even an instant messenger like ICQ or MSN. ( NOTE: if you are underaged, you may also want to begin searching for a source of alcohol. )

3. Get geared up. Hoodies are a must. Gloves are pretty important too, if it's cold out. In the summer you can get away with T-shirt drinking, but expect mosquitos. Make sure you're very explicit in telling others to gear up to avoid bitching and complaining. BRING BOOKBAGS/KNAPSACKS.

Note: If you are of legal drinking age, skip steps 4 and 5.

4. Designate a meeting place, and head there. Try to accommodate the person buying your alcohol as best you can, so he/she isn't really pissed off with your inconsiderate youngin' ways.
Give him/her the money, specify the kind and amount of alcohol to be purchased, and shut up. Do not risk pissing off the alcohol source or the woods party can end in premature failure. If he/she has had to go through an immense amount of trouble in getting your shit, give him/her a tip. Tips aren't required otherwise, and if the source asks for one, tell him/her to fuck off and get a new one.

5. Devise a plan to transport the alcohol to the spot. If your source has a car, he/she will most likely do it for you, with a little convincing. However, the spot has to be good and hidden, and you have to be real fast in unloading the alcohol for this to work. In many cases, the source will just leave your alcohol behind the store and leave it to you to transport it. This is where bookbags come in.

6. Get to the spot. If you've had to carry your own alcohol, stick to backroads or trails. Nothing's more conspicuous than a bunch of teenagers with blocky, clinking bookbags. Avoid using your pockets to carry beer in case of any running, and so you don't look like a complete idiot.

7. Drink! This is what it all comes down to, what you've worked so hard for. There's nothing more satisfying than twisting off your first beer cap and downing a mouthful after a successful liquor run. Do not hesitate to use beer cases as seats. Construct a fire if you wish, but keep in mind that smoke is a telltale sign. Always anticipate being one half case short, as the source will most likely rip you off at least 10 bucks. In this case, the person who was ripped off automatically becomes the bottom feeder.

The people at your woods party will typically fall into a number of set roles. They are, as follows:

The leader: Holds things together and keeps spirits up. Makes most of the decisions regarding fires, changing spots, and distributing bottoms.

The bottom feeder: The cheapskate who couldn't afford to drink. It is customary to give bottoms to this person ( approximately 1/6th of your beer, but be generous. There is a set of rules regarding bottoms that I will list later ).

The worrier: Jumps at every sound and often warns; "shhh!" Often discusses the police and how much trouble he'd be in if he was caught. Leave it to the leader to decide on the validity of his warnings.

The faker: Likes to pour out his beer when backs are turned, because he "doesn't like the taste." Often found obnoxiously faking being drunk. If you catch the faker in the act of pouring out alcohol, you are required to make fun incessantly. Any and all beer the faker then refuses to drink is automatically given to the bottom feeder, unless he sincerely promises to change his ways.

The girls: Usually leave in pairs or trios to urinate somewhere far from prying, drunken eyes. May or may not drink beer with straws and go halfs on a half case.

The braggart: Often boasts that he isn't drunk, or requires signifcantly more alcohol than he has in order to get drunk. Makes inflated claims about his alcohol tolerance. If you recognize that the braggart is indeed drunk, you are required to make fun incessantly.

Further rules:

- If you ( the leader, NOT the worrier ) suspect that the Police are on to you, you must make a decision regarding the changing of spots. If at all possible, relocate the entire process somewhere else and keep a low profile.

- Shouting and breaking bottles is strictly prohibited.

- Bottoms should be at the very least 1/6th of a full beer. Be generous. Never give less than 1/6th or a bottle filled with urine or backwash. Remember, the bottom feeder was already unfortunate enough to not afford alcohol.

- If the bottom feeder is particularly greedy and complains about the size of or lack of bottoms, the leader may administer punishment in the form of ridicule or a swift kick to the nuts.

- You must ask your friends; "what beer are you on?" at regular intervals to accommodate yourself to their drinking pace. Try not to get more than 2 beer ahead of your friends.

- Running: In case of running, it is always best to stash the beer, get to the nearest road, and walk at a lesiurely pace. Watch and laugh inwardly as the police drive right by you. Try not to seperate from friends. Remember, you're in this together.

- Never, EVER give the names of your friends to the police if you are caught.

- Try not to leave evidence of your woods party at the spot if you hope to enjoy future woods parties there.

- If at all possible, wear a Sou' Wester to add further Newfie-ness to your woods party.

posted by Sylpheed @ 4:45 PM